Inspired by yesterdays post about the “Nice Guys” of OK Cupid blog on Tumblr, I came across this recent entry, from another self-proclaimed “nice guy”:
Okay, so, reading your significant other’s emails , and pretending to be them online is definitely in the “unacceptable” category. My position has always been that if you feel THAT level of mistrust, it’s time to just get out of the relationship. I’m not going to waste my time being with someone that I think I need to snoop around on.
Likewise, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t find noticably hairy legs on a woman to be particularly attractive, but are all woman OBLIGATED to shave their legs? Of course, not. No one is obligated to do anything about their appearance for the sake of someone else. If you don’t like how someone looks, or question their grooming habits, that’s up to you to get over it, or leave and find someone else who more asthetically pleases you.
However, the other response, I have to say, doesn’t sound completely out of bounds to me. Your significant other’s ex is coming into town and he/she wants to go out to dinner with them alone. How do you react? I think the majority of people, both men and women, if they were being honest, would probably initially think “No way” Yes, like the email thing, you could argue that it’s a matter of trust, and if you don’t have it, the relationship should end. And I’d normally agree, except I’m going by the exact way the question is framed, without any extra details. WHY does your significant other want to have dinner with their ex without you? Is there a logical reason why you’re not allowed to be there? I would severaly question why my girlfriend or wife (if I had either, which I don’t, @ the moment) would not want me to be there with them while they’re “having dinner.” What are they going to talk about that they don’t want me to hear? That would raise some red flags.
Of course, there could be a logical reason, depending on the circumstances, like if there’s a scheduling conflict. Let’s say the ex lives far away, and very gets out to where we live now, and is only in town for that one night, and it happens to be a night where I have some other plans, like work or whatever that I just can’t get out of, but she has no plans for that night, so she would like to go see him. In that situation, it doesn’t sounds so supicious. Although I could still understand why many people in a relationship would still not be that comfortable with it.
However, I’ve always said that the ex is not the one you should be the most concerned about, when you’re in a relationship. The one you need to keep an eye on is the platonic friend that your significant other likes and is attracted to, but never dated, for various reasons. Think about it this way, the ex is ex for reason. Whatever that reason is, these two dated, seriously or not, and decided to end it. Some folks question whether or not exes can still remain friends, but I think it’s possible, if things ended on good terms. Not if there was cheating or abuse or anything like in the relationship, but sometimes folks date and then realize that they’re just not right for each other, so they end it. But what about that friend that they never dated or got together with because the timing was just never right? Y’know, maybe they first met while they were both too young or two busy for a relationship, or they were living in different places, or they were both already in relationships, or one was in a relationship while the other was single, whatever. But it just never happened, even though there was a mutual attraction. THAT, is more tempting, I think. Because now you figure that there’s this “What if?” always stuck in the back of their minds.
I would much rather my girlfriend or wife was hanging out with a guy that she already dated, and even had sex with, so she knows exactly what that’s like and has made the decision that he’s not what she wants, instead of some guy she like and always wondered what it’s like to date or have sex with. You know the old saying “the grass is greener on the other side”? Well, with the ex, she already knows what his grass is like, and therefor I’m the one with the greener grass. While with the platonic friend, she might be wondering what is his grass is greener than mine. And the temptation could lead to one of those situations where they’re alone and then, as they say, one thing leads to another. Not worth the risk.
Just my opinion.
Interesting perspective on exes, I never thought of it that way, but what you said makes sense.
many thanks for checking out the pasta paulie blog after such a long break. Great to see you’re still bashing out some ace postings
I never stay friends with my exes. That’s why they’re exes!