A couple of weeks ago, someone launched this new blog on Tumblr called “Nice Guys” of OK Cupid. And it quickly got quite a bit of attention across the net. It’s basically meant to expose (& mock) the fallacy of the men who complain that they can’t find a good woman because they are “too nice,” and that women only want men who “act like jerks.” These are the men who complain that women always put them in the dreaded “Friendzone.” So the blog take pictures from the profiles of men who have signed up to the dating website OK CUPID, men who claim to be “nice guys” and posts other part of their profiles that show that maybe they’re not as nice as they think they are.
First of all, I’ve always thought that the types of men who complain about being “too nice” are just using that as an excuse. I read through the whole site, so far, and you can see the same phrases being used repeatedly by different me. “I’m ALWAYS getting friendzoned.” “Women ALWAYS overlook me to go for jerks.” “I’m ALWAYS getting rejected because I’m too nice.” “EVERY women I’ve ever had a crush on has put me in the friend-zone.” I’ve known guys like this, and there’s a certain level of narcissism involved to have something like this supposedly happening to you constantly and assume that the problem has to be that something is wrong with everyone else. I also know women who fit what I consider to be the female equivalent of the “(too) nice guy.” That’s the woman who is rude, and conceited and therefor assumes that the reason she can’t get a man is because men are too “intimidated” by her personality, because she’s so “strong and independent.” No, it can’t possibly be because she’s a b***, she’s perfect, it’s just that ALL the men are scared of her. In both cases I say, guess what, maybe it’s YOU?
I’ve seen some people say that they think it’s mean to mock these guys publicly, because some just may have real problems that leave them socially awkward, and they don’t know how to deal with it. But I say that the funny part is not that they’re complaining about being “too nice”, it’s the fact that they’re saying that while also posting views that clearly show that they’re not as nice as they think they are. Like saying that women should be obligated to shave their legs, that “no” sometimes means “yes,” and if a woman they like is flirting with them while drunk they would “take advantage of the situation.” And then they wonder why “every” woman they know is rejecting them? That’s funny. The only part I’d concede maybe should be rethought is the issue of showing their faces. The creator of that blog could block that out, and just show the words on the profiles would be enough to make the point. But, then again, the profiles are mostly open to the public, anyone on the internet can search the site see them. The person who made the tumblr is just grouping some of the together for easier viewing.
Now, not all self-proclaimed “nice guys” are bad. There are the guys who think “why are women rejecting me for guys who aren’t as nice as I am”, and feel sad and/or confused about it, which is a legitimate feeling, versus those who then use that as an excuse to be angry at women, and act like they are owed something. The guys who complain about how they’re the ones that they’re female friends come to cry on their shoulder about the “jerks,” and they’re mad because those female friends aren’t turning to them for a relationship, which makes me question these guys real motives. Are they being “friends” out of real concern or are they just pretending to be friends, thinking that if they’re “nice” long enough the women will eventually see how awesome they are, and then they get mad when their little plan doesn’t work?
And, frankly, sometimes they may be right. SOME women really do like men who treat them like crap, and keep going back to them (*cough*RHIANNA*cough*), and that sucks we you see that behavior. But when it happens to you all the time, when every women you meet is supposedly rejecting you for being “too nice”, then that’s the time to look in the mirror and ask what’s the one common denominator here? It’s you.
Anyway, after reading through so many of the pics, and reading profile answers like: “How am I still single? My female friends ask me that all the time. I answer: You tell me. You’re the bitch that doesn’t let me touch your boobies.” – NICE GUY (who also thinks that NO is occasionally a Yes in disguise), and “I’m that really nice guy that most girls have as a friend but wouldn’t date because It just wouldn’t work out, or You’re too nice, or whatever else excuse girls can spew out to not date a guy.” – NICE GUY (who also thinks men are smarter than women and whose opinion of you will be lowered if he finds out that you call yourself a feminist), which are clearly absurd, I was reminded of an article I once read on Cracke.com: 5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women, by David Wong. Particularly the very first one on that list about how entertainment shows us that “getting the girl” is the male hero’s reward for doing the right thing, and we begin to think we are owed a hot girl.
“So it’s very frustrating, and I mean frustrating to the point of violence, when we don’t get what we’re owed. A contract has been broken. These women, by exercising their own choices, are denying it to us. It’s why every Nice Guy is shocked to find that buying gifts for a girl and doing her favors won’t win him sex. It’s why we go to “slut” and “whore” as our default insults — we’re not mad that women enjoy sex. We’re mad that women are distributing to other people the sex that they owed us.”
That definitely sounds familiar. And Hollywood also incluences another way of thinking. A common complaint from these “nice guys” is that their female friends are always coming to them and complaining about the jerks they go out with, crying on the nice guys shoulder, and even saying things like “why can’t I find a guy like you?” And so the men get angry, and feel like they’re being taken advantage of, because their female friends aren’t just magically recognizing how wonderful they are, after all the great things they’ve done for them. And they internalize it, and get angry. But the problem is, you ask these guys if they ever speak up, and make their feelings known to these women, and most of the time they haven’t. And they use the “nice guy” thing as an excuse. They come up with reasons to explain their lack of action, because that lets them off the hook. By saying that he assumes women will reject him either because he’s “too nice” & not a jerk, or because they won’t trust him because he’s so nice and think he must really be a jerk, well that let’s him off the hook, and now he doesn’t even have to try. If it wasn’t the “Nice Guy” thing, it would be something else.
All sorts of people do this in life all the time, in many situations. How many people refuse to try something new, because they’re already convinced that they’ll fail? “Oh, I won’t bother entering that contest, I know I won’t win.” “I’m not gonna waste my time applying for that job, they’ll never hire me.” And so forth. But as I was saying, Hollywood encourages this, in a way. The movies, books, tv shows are filled with examples of the “soul mates” who just happen to meet through unlikely circumstances and discover that they’re perfect for each other, and then live happily ever after. Or all the other cliches about romance say like “the right one will come along when you least expect it.” Or “you’ll find true love when you stop looking for it.” And occasionally they’ll have some example of some couple where that’s exactly how it happened, but for most folks you do have to actually go out and look for it. You can’t just sit around and wait.
And you can’t let the fear of rejection stop you. When it comes to dating, everyone gets rejected sometimes. EVERYONE. It is going to happen. And, lets be frank, some rejections can be brutal. Not everyone you ask out will be nice about it, and try to let you down easily You just have to get over it, and not let that stop you.