I recently came across a couple of submissions on Reddit in which people are considering “testing” their partners. One was from a woman, the other was from a man, so I figured it’s safe to discuss now as it shows that both genders can be equally stupid and insecure. Although I will say that, in comparison, the woman had a legitimate reason to be insecure, but then she was the one who put herself in this situation. I’ll explain.
This woman said she’d been in a relationship with her boyfriend for two years, and that he had cheated on her twice (that she knew of). Each time she forgave him, and they’re still together. But she doesn’t totally trust him (DUH). So now she was considering creating a fake online profile, using another woman’s pictures and try to contact him and hit on him, and see if he goes along with it or even tells her about it.
I said it was a dumb idea, because even if he rejected that fake woman, that won’t prove that he is or always will be faithful. This would only work if she assumed that the only reason he cheated the two times before is because the other women approached him and he simply has zero impulse control or standards and just goes along with any random woman who hits on him. That’s probably not the situation. So, yeah, he may reject this woman just because he doesn’t think she’s attractive enough, or he may already be cheating with someone else and doesn’t want to have to juggle three women at once. Or he may even be determined to be faithful right now, and therefor he resists the temptation. But that doesn’t mean his resolve won’t falter at some point in the future.
The bottom line is that relationships are built on trust. IF you don’t trust them, for whatever reason (and I’d say in this particular situation she has good reason not to trust him), then just end it and move on. IF you feel the need to sit around thinking up schemes to “test” him, that’s not a good relationship, period.
This second situation was even dumber, in my opinion. It wasn’t even a full relationship yet. A man had recently started dating a woman, at this point they’d gone out 6 times. According to him, each time he texted her to ask for a date, she always replied quickly, within minutes, and eagerly agreed. And each date has been great. He said they have a lot of fun together, and talk a lot, and have been getting more physical each time (no sex yet). Sounds like everything is going well, right? So what’s the problem?
He said he was concerned because he’s always the one initiating the texts to ask her out. He was worried that she wasn’t making more of an effort to initiate contact, and if that meant that she wasn’t as into him as he was into her. Or if she’s trying to make him “chase” her? So now, after their last date, he was thinking of just not contacting her at all, to wait and see if she would then contact him.
This is actually a scenario I’ve seen raised before by other men (yes, always men). And I don’t get it. Yes, there can be times where one feels as if they’re doing all the work in a relationship and that’s justified, but for something like this? Does it really matter who’s texting whom first? As long as she’s always replying and saying yes, and the dates are good, then just go with it! I see so many other guys who complain when the woman doesn’t reply to their texts, or takes “too long” to get back to them, cancels dates, is not always available. Yet, here when you have a woman who is doing everything right, and you’re still complaining? And now you want to risk screwing up a good thing, just to prove some stupid point?
I said maybe she’s comfortable letting you take the lead, many women are (and many men prefer that). I see no reason to jump to the most negative conclusion possible, that this indicates a lack of interest on her part or anything. I said if things are working they way they are, then just carry on. And if you really are concerned about something, instead of playing some game of “I’ll do this, to see if she reacts the way I want her to”, why not try another radical idea: talk to her about it?
And that she always be the answer. Whatever your problem is in your relationship, whatever your doubts are, whatever you’re wondering, just talk to your partner. No game-playing, and no “tests.” The minute you the need to do that, your relationship is already doomed.