Alright, it’s Saturday again, so let me do some writing, starting with an update:
Last Saturday, I spent the day writing LIFE, LOVE, AND LOSS. I don’t usually get that personal about my private life, but it was cathartic in some ways. I found myself rereading it (and re-feeling all the feelings) several times over the past week, did a little re-writing a couple of times to clarify a few things. I shared it directly with some friends and got some good feedback. Emma’s mother Jane sent me a text Friday morning complimenting the post, calling me a great writer, which was very nice.
But it’s still been rough dealing with this. I’m still thinking about Emma every single day, worried about her, wondering what she’s doing and if she’s getting any better or worse. She hasn’t tried to call or text me since, which adds to my worrying about her, but it’s probably for the best, as I have to be honest and say that, depending on when and how she tried, I’m not 100% certain that I’d still have the strength to not reply. I’ve been tempted to contact her myself, to ask her to meet again in person even though I “know,” on an intellectual level, that I’m better off not risking getting dragged back into her drama. But I miss her, and I feel guilty, although, again, everyone says I’m doing the right thing.
Wednesday got particularly tough for me. I don’t know why, but around lunchtime at work, I just suddenly lost my appetite, and this huge feeling of grief washed over me. I spent the rest of the day just trying to push it back, but it was hard. I’m generally someone who prides himself on having an almost Vulcan-like ability to suppress my emotions, but I was worried I was going to break down crying right in the middle of my job. During my last break of the day I went to my car in my parking lot, trying to pull myself together and I hastily took a picture of myself and posted it on my Instagram and Facebook pages, saying that I wasn’t feeling well and could use any positive thoughts and even prayers. This is something that is so unlike me I couldn’t believe I was doing it. It’s a good thing this was just during my 15 minute break, and that as soon as I posted it I had to turn off my phone to get back to work, or else I probably would have panicked and deleted it right after. But the anxiety over the possible reaction kept my mind busy while I finished working for the next two hours until it was time to leave. I remember being very nervous as I clocked out and turned on my phone as I was walking to my car, wondering what I’d see.
The response was incredible. As of right now it’s gotten 26 likes and 11 responses on Instagram and 99 likes and over 70 responses on Facebook. Plus I’ve had several people reach out to me privately via direct messages and texts. It’s all been very touching to have all these people, most of whom I’ve never met in person, showing concern for my well-being.
Seriously, it was definitely uplifting. I’ve seen many others ask for support online before when going through personal issues, but I never expected that I’d be one of those people, and I certainly didn’t expect that it would make me feel as good as it did.
I’ve written before about how online friends can become “real friends,” and it’s something this incident really re-iterated that belief to me. While the vast majority of the people who commented and reached out where people I’ve never met in real life, many were people I’ve known online for a decade or more at this point and, like I said, I’ve experienced a lot of the major events in their lives via the internet, so they feel just as real and important to me as anyone else I know, and therefore their concern felt genuine and that’s what made it meaningful. A couple of folks took my somewhat vague post as possibly dangerous, which made me feel a little guilty, so I had to stress that I was never in might harm myself mode, just might start crying in public mode, which would have been embarrassing but ultimately survivable. I now feel like I owe it to all of these people to get through this, so I will.
And then on Thursday I had something else to occupy my thoughts.
That’s right. Car trouble. Again. The darn thing crapped out on me while driving to work. I won’t bore y’all with all the details, but I’m out $760 for the repairs, plus the $78.83 I had to spend on Uber until I got my car back.
I have to say that the anger and frustration of dealing with this car took my mind off of Emma for awhile. So that’s a bit of a silver lining, I guess?
Well, today’s the first day of my 3-day weekend, it’s been uneventful. Just been home, did some laundry. I’ve decided that I want to try to get back to daily blogging at least for the month of June. So tomorrow and Monday I’ll try to get a head start and write as many posts as I can to schedule for later. If you’re reading this when it’s originally posted, I hope you have a great weekend, and great Memorial Day (if you’re an American).